I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
