Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
