she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
