i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
pray to the hookup gods
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
