bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
