dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
