its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
