I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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