Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
