i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
