At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
