We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
