my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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