i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
