i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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