I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
