Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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