Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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