I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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