They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
