come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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