Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
