so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
