I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Randomize
