What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
