My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
