I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
