It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
