If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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