omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
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He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
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so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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