We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
