And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
