I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
