I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
this beer tastes like vomit already
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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