Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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