Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I think people are normalizing furries
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
