He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize