if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
