i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
