Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
