Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
