im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
