Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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