I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
