On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
