No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
