I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
