my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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