Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
