Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
