It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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