I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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