ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
