Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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