In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
